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Joke time....tasman1

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#1 by tasman1 » Thu Aug 10, 2017 03:20

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

Because he was sitting on the deck.

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

What happened to the dog who swallowed a firefly?

He barked with de-light.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

What do you say when you lose a Wii game?

"I want a wii-match.”
tasman1
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#2 by tasman1 » Thu Aug 10, 2017 03:22

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter.

“I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?”

“What do I think?” his mother said. “Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!”
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#3 by tasman1 » Thu Aug 10, 2017 03:24

There were two retired men. One of the men said “I feel like a newborn baby,”. The other man asked why. The man said, ” I have no hair, no teeth, and I just peed in my pants.
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#4 by tasman1 » Thu Aug 10, 2017 03:25

Henry was placed against the wall in front of the firing squad.

Just before the order to shoot, he yelled, “Earthquake!

The squad panicked.

In the confusion, Henry jumped over the wall and escaped.

Charlie was next and pondered what Henry had done.

Before the squad could shoot, he shouted, “Tornado!”

Again the squad scattered, and Charlie slipped away to safety.

George thought he saw the pattern: Scream out a disaster and hop over the wall.

So, as the firing squad took aim, George grinned smugly and yelled, “Fire!”
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#5 by tasman1 » Thu Aug 10, 2017 03:28

At the doctor’s office, Tom was getting a check up. “I have good news and bad news,” says the doctor. “The good news is you have 24 hours left to live.” Tom replies, “That’s the good news?!” Then the doctor says, “The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday.”
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#6 by tasman1 » Thu Aug 10, 2017 03:30

A man answered his phone and the lady on the phone said:

“Hello Sir, I want to meet and talk to you. You are the father of one of my kids”

Man is upset and says: “Oh my God…are you Jennifer?”

Woman replied “No”

“Are you Christine?”

“No” was the answer

“Anne?”

“No”

The man is now annoyed and asked “Well, then who the hell are you?”

Woman on the phone replied “”Sir, I am the class teacher of your son.”
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#7 by tasman1 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 00:11

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
-
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"


Oh daddy, I love you so much!
-
Hey, until we get the DNA test, I’m just Harry to you!


How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?

The blind start reading your face.



My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.
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#8 by tasman1 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 00:16

Pilot: The plane is about to crash! Quick, make your last call to say your last words!
Guy: Babe, I'm so sorry, I cheated on you.
Girl: WHAT!???
Pilot: Oops, nevermind, the plane is back in control!
Guy: CRASH THE FU..... PLANE DAMMIT.
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#9 by Fellow » Fri Aug 11, 2017 14:24

A guy visited his friends in another city. After the visit, he was escorted to the train station by two of his friends. They got to the station only to see that the train was already leaving and decided to run after it. The first man got on as well as the second man. The third man could not and was angry. Minutes later however, he started laughing. When asked why, he told them he was the traveller while those who caught the train were his escorts.
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#10 by tasman1 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 23:13

Man returns home and screams out loudly:
- Honey, pack your things, I've won million today!
Wife comes to the wardrobe and asks:
- What kind of clothes to take with me? Summer or winter?
Man:
- All of them and get out of here!
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#11 by tasman1 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 23:15

Husband: Honey, I have problems at work.
Wife: Not "I", but "we" have problems - since we are married, your problems are mine problems as well.
Husband: ok. Then I wanted to let you know that our office-girl got pregnant from us.
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#12 by tasman1 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 23:17

Conversation in the immigration office at airport in the US:
- Your name, Sir.
- Bakshish Abdul
- Sex
- Three times a day...
- I mean male or female?
- Doesn't matter...
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#13 by tasman1 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 23:26

One evening, a wife drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devote they are? He kisses her everytime they meet. Why don’t you do that?”

“I would love to,” replied the husband, “but I don’t know her well enough.”
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#14 by tasman1 » Tue Aug 15, 2017 00:16

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried. Then he hugged my sister & me.


It was the end of the school year and Joey’s mother asked: “And were the exam questions difficult?” “They weren’t bad at all,” her son replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.”


boy whispers to his mom during a wedding* boy: “Mommy?” mom: “What?” boy: “Why is the girl dressed in white?” mom: “Because this is the happiest day of her life.” boy: “… so why is the boy dressed in black?”
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#15 by tasman1 » Tue Aug 15, 2017 00:18

Boy texts his Girl “Honey, I can’t live without you! When will you come to me? “Here is the KILLING Reply -“Who is dying! I lost my saved numbers, kindly tell me your name?”


Wife: If I would have been married to a Monster, I would have been felt much better than with you… Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!!
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#16 by Marcel-R6 » Tue Aug 15, 2017 01:14

Quote:A box of condoms, please.

That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?

Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

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#17 by Marcel-R6 » Tue Aug 15, 2017 01:18

Quote:My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.


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#18 by tasman1 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 03:26

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''... "I'm not . . . I'm her f...ing mother.


Last week Putin received a coded message, reportedly from Ukrainian Parliament.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Putin was stumped and asked his Prime minister what the message could mean. The minister was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top russian programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the Secret Police.

The Director of the Police suggested Putin should turn the message upside down... [ to understand read it upside down ]
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#19 by tasman1 » Thu Aug 17, 2017 02:43

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"


One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.


The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
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#20 by ChristelleP » Sun Aug 20, 2017 12:06

Quote:What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

:lol: :lol:

Too much funny this one !! :clap: :clap:
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