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The Ultimate Jokes Thread (Veg. Only)

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#141 by uzair_friends » Sun Dec 02, 2012 02:00

The Greatest Mystery Ever.. :o
A Must Must Must Read For Everyone...
---------------------------------------------------------

A man is driving down the road & breaks down
near a monastery. He goes to the monastery,
knocks on the door, & says, "My car broke
down. Do u think I could stay the night?" The
monks graciously accept him. As the man tries
to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a
sound like no other that he has ever heard.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.
You are not a monk'.". The man is
disappointed but thanks them anyway & goes
away. Some years later, d same man breaks
down in front of d same monastery D monks
again accept him. Dat night, he hears d same
strange sound dat he had heard yrs earlier. D
next mornin, he asks wat d sound was, but d
monks reply, "v can't tell u. U're not a monk".
D man says, " I'm dying to know. If d only way
I can find out wat dat sound was, is 2 becum a
monk, hw do I becum a monk?". D monks
reply, "U must travel d earth & tell us how
many blades of grass der r & d exact number
of sand pebbles". D man sets bout his task.
Some 45 yrs later, he returns & says, "I hav
travelled d earth & hav found wat u had asked
4. Der r 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass
& 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on d
earth."
D monks reply, "U r correct & now u are a
monk. V shall now show u d way to d sound"..
D monks lead d man to a wooden door, where
d head monk says, "D sound u seek is behind
dat door". D man reaches 4 d knob, but d door
is locked. He asks 4 d key. D monks give him
d key, and he opens d door. Behind d wooden
door is another door made of stone. D man
requests d key 2 d stone door. D monk gives
him d key, & he opens it, only 2 find a door
made of ruby & so it went until d man had
gone thru doors of emerald,.. silver, topaz &
amethyst.. Finally, d monks say, "Dis is d key
2 d last door". D man is relieved 2 no end. He
unlocks d door, turns d knob, & behind dat
door he is astonished 2 find d source of dat
strange sound.
But I can't tell u wat it is coz

You're not a monk!!!
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#142 by uzair_friends » Wed Dec 05, 2012 08:04

An old one but amazing one!
---------------------------------------------
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice,

God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,

"God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women.

I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,whys he snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied - "You want two lanes or four on that bridge! :P :D
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#143 by uzair_friends » Fri Dec 07, 2012 19:13

Husbnd- Janu ek kiss kar lu..??

Wife- nahi..

Husb- Saree la dunga..

Wife- Bilkul nahi..

Husbnd- Jwellery la dunga..

Wife- Ek bar bola na, nahi,,
Pass me soya hua Beta bola-

"Meri le lo,, Cycle la dena":D
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#144 by uzair_friends » Sat Dec 08, 2012 07:01

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it
starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him,

“Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”
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#145 by uzair_friends » Sun Dec 09, 2012 04:02

Teacher: Kal school kyo nahi aaye the??

Chikku: Bird flu tha..

Teacher: Ye to birds me hota hai!

Chikku (Gusse se): Aadmi samjha hi kab hai apne, roz to MURGA bana dete ho.. ;)
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#146 by uzair_friends » Sun Dec 09, 2012 06:51

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#147 by uzair_friends » Sun Dec 09, 2012 19:36

Boyfriend to Girlfriend: Darling main tumse shaadi nahi kar sakta gharwale mana kar rahe hai...:o
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Girlfriend: Tumhare ghar mein kaun kaun hai ??
.
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Boyfriend: Ek biwi aur 3 bacche…:P :D :D
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#148 by rabbnawazkhan » Mon Dec 10, 2012 02:40

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
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#149 by uzair_friends » Mon Dec 10, 2012 18:40

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, And was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian;

I cannot go back on my word. I promised him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife.

'I got all the money together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.

If he can cash it, then he can spend it.' :P :D
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#150 by uzair_friends » Tue Dec 11, 2012 01:21

Japan main 2 dost they
1 ka naam tha “jo” aur dusrey ka naam tha “wo”
Ek din “jo” ke pas JIN aa gaya “jo” ne dar kar “wo” ko awaz di
“wo” bhag kar aya to JIN ko dekh kar “wo” ka intqal hogaya
;
bus usi din se hi kehte hein…
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
“JO” DAR GAYA, “WO” MAR GAYA
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#151 by rabbnawazkhan » Tue Dec 11, 2012 02:05

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
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#152 by uzair_friends » Wed Dec 12, 2012 04:20

Some funny Question-Answer­ ­s..!!
1) Kya baap ka naam Roshan karna easy hai ??
-> Hamare liye nahi hai.. Hrithik keliye easy tha..!!.xD
2) Kya aap date pe gaye ho ??
-> DATE pe nahi.. Par hamesha TIME pe gaya hu.. xD
3) England ko next test mein kaise haraya ja sakta hai ??
-> Cricket ki game download karke..xD
4) Teacher board rub karne ki dhamki de toh kya karoge ??
-> Daler mehndi ka Gaana gaunga.. "Oh kardi Rub rub kardi..ve oh kardi Rub Rub...!!!" xD
5) Logo ke baare mein aapki kya rai hai ??
-> Logo bohot creative hote hai.. Cars pe hote hai.. Badi badi companies ke LOGO hote hai.. xD
Aur aap meri RAI nahi le sakte..Raitoh Abhishek bacchan le gaya..xD
6) Kya londia ko miss call se pataya ja sakta hai ?
-> Ha.. Kyuki 'MISS' call ek female hoti hai..
Aur woh kehte hai na, "Ek l adki hi dusri ladki ko samajh sakti hai."xD
7) Melody Choclaty kyu hai ??
-> Kyuki Melody school teacher hai.. Aur board pe likhne ke liye wo Chalk-Leti hai.. xD
Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai ??
-> D'cold.. Chan ki 'saans' hai.. xD
Aur bahu ka naam bhi same hai.. Kyuki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi.. xD
9) Superman, batman jaise superhero underwear dress k upar kyu pehente hain ?? :o
-> Waise unka logic sahi hai..!!
Ab hum itni mehangi branded underwears kharidte hai aur unko chupa ke pehente hai..kya fayda ??
Seekho kuch in super heros Se:xD
10) Aeroplane kaha invent hua tha ??
-> Hawaii mein..!!
Isiliye usko ''Hawaii Jahaaj'' kehte hai.. :D :P :D :D
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#153 by rabbnawazkhan » Thu Dec 13, 2012 07:06

PTCkingdom, SathishMagleena ! Thank you.
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#154 by uzair_friends » Fri Dec 14, 2012 19:56

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.

The villagers started catching the monkeys.

The man bought thousands of monkeys at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!

Welcome to the "Stock" Market !!!! ;)
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#155 by CodeNameX » Sat Dec 15, 2012 21:15

CHEMISTRY at Its Peak :D

Teacher : What happens when CarbOn MOnOxide reacts with 2 MOlecules Of IrOn ??

Ammad : COFFEE !!


Teacher : HOw ?? :o

:

:

:

:

:

:

Ammad : CO + 2Fe = Coffee !! ;) :D :P

Teacher Shockd Ammad Rockd.;)
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#156 by uzair_friends » Sun Dec 16, 2012 10:17

This happened in Khandala Ghat near Lonavala during the last monsoon.

A guy was driving from Bombay to Pune and decided not to take the new expressway as he wanted to see the scenery along the old road.

when he reached the mountains his car broke down - he was stranded miles from nowhere.

Having no choice he started walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest town. It was dark and rainy. And pretty soon he got wet and Shivering. The night rolled on and no car passed by.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It slowed and then stopd next to him - without thinking the guy opened the door and jumped in. Seated in the back, he leaned forward to thank the person who had saved him.

He realized there was nobody behind the wheel !!!

Even though there was no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car startd moving slowly. The guy lookd at the road ahead and saw a curve coming. Scared almost to death he startd to pray, begging the Lord for his life.

He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeard through the window and moves the wheel!
The car made the curve safely and continued on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve and moved the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.

Finally, the guy saw lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenched open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambled out and ran as hard as he cud towards the lights.

It was a small town. He stumbled into a restuarant, and askd for a drink, and broke down. Then he startd talking about the horrible experience he'd just been through.

There was dead silence in the restaurant when he stopped talking ..... . . . .
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Know more
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......and that's when Santa and Banta Singh walked in. Santa pointed and said

'Look Banta - that's the idiot who got into our car when we were pushing it.'
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#157 by uzair_friends » Sun Dec 16, 2012 10:18

Rajnikanth was bragging to Amitabh Bachchan: “I know everyone! Just name someone... Anyone! And I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, Amitabh called his bluff, “Okay, how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes! Tom & I are old friends! I can prove it” Rajini said.

So Rajini & Amitabh fly to Hollywood & knock on Tom Cruise’s door. Sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts: “Thalaiva! Great to see you! You & your friend, come right in & join me for lunch!”

Though impressed, Amitabh is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Rajini that he thinks Rajini knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else” says Rajini says.

“President Obama”, Amitabh quickly retorts
“Yes”, Rajini says, “I know him!”
And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Rajini on the tour & motions him, saying: “Rajini! What a surprise!! I was just on my way. to a meeting, but you & your friend come on in & let’s have a cup of coffee first!”

Though much shaken by now, Amitabh is still not completely convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope?” Amitabh replies. “Sure!” says Rajini “My folks are from Italy & I’ve known the Pope for a long time”.
Rajini & Amitabh assemble with the masses at Vatican Square when Rajini says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards. So, let me just go upstairs & I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
He disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican... Sure enough, half an hour later Rajini emerges at the balcony with the Pope!

But by the time Rajini returns, he finds that Amitabh has had a stroke & is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to Amitabh’s side, Rajini asks, “What happened?”

Amitabh Bachchan looks up & says, “I was doing fine until a man tapped on my shoulder & asked: Who's that guy with Rajnikanth?” X_X
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#158 by uzair_friends » Sun Dec 16, 2012 10:20

Attitude and its importance …

An old man lived alone in a village. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my pota
to garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison.
Love,
Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram: ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the garden!! That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’ At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.. It’s the best I could do for you from here.’

Moral:

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART YOU CAN DO IT. IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS.. NOT WHERE YOU ARE OR WHERE THE PERSON IS….!!
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#159 by uzair_friends » Mon Dec 17, 2012 01:37

DEFINITION OF LAZINESS:




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#160 by bijaykumar2u » Wed Dec 19, 2012 21:03

Sunil to his Boss: I always give 100% effort to my Duty.
Boss: So nice of you Sunil, but how?
Sunil: I give 35% of my effort on Monday, 30% on Tuesday, 20% on Wednesday, 10% on Thursday and 5% on Friday.
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